There's a rule for teaching a child: a highlighted example of the goal works better than a pile of underlined mistakes. A strategy of avoiding mistakes is less productive than a strategy of pursuing what you want.
The person I was talking with kept bringing up her acquaintance's flaws throughout our conversation, expecting that over time they might grow into serious problems. She listed them out to him, and he, respecting her opinion, was already starting to agree that the two of them probably wouldn't be able to build a relationship...
I suggested she try paying attention not only to his flaws, but to his good qualities too — and to do it in a particular way.
We all want to be seen as good, both in our own eyes and in the eyes of others. Help another person feel that way, and in return you'll get warm, friendly communication.
This kind of behavior has nothing to do with manipulation. You're letting the other person know your tastes and preferences, and at the same time you're exploring yourself too: “What do I like? What style of communication do I enjoy?”
Say “thank you,” and be specific about what for.
Someone offered you a hand, treated you to some chocolate, and you liked it? Say so — give back that pleasant feeling to whoever gave it to you. Do it right away, without delay. Then it will be clear exactly why you were pleased, and how to bring you that kind of enjoyment again.
The movie turned out not to be very interesting? Tell your companion, “Everything becomes exciting when I'm with you!” I'm confident there will be a lot more enthusiasm for another invitation to spend time together this way than if you fairly criticized the film.
Instant gratitude makes it possible to remember what you enjoyed — and increases the likelihood of that moment happening again.
