Masha and Pasha met by chance, and somehow it was instantly clear: “This is happiness!” For several months, the “honeymoon” phase lasted, and their relationship developed quickly and purposefully — a wedding was coming! Neither of them can remember today who first said the idea out loud. They spent a lot of time together — talking, getting to know each other, trying on the roles of “husband” and “wife” for each other. Everything seemed okay. Yes, of course, there were arguments. Once they nearly broke up for good, but as the saying goes: “lovers' quarrels are soon mended.”
They had the wedding. They traveled to a warm country. Married life began. At some point, independently of each other, Pasha and Masha began to notice — something wasn't right. It still wasn't clear what. Just small things, everyday stuff. Irritation built up gradually, and eventually the first real family fight broke out. It was unexpected and hurtful. Their picture of a happy married life started to crack at the seams, melt, and slip down the drain, evaporating like morning dew on grass. What happened? Why did we become different people?!
Let's break this down. When Masha first saw Pasha, he didn't seem like anyone extraordinary — just a normal guy. He offered to walk her home. He helped carry her groceries, sharpened her knives, arranged something for her — it doesn't matter what. Masha understood: “This is a person who loves me.” Naturally, flowers, cafes, movies, walks, heart emojis, and so on followed. Masha prepared carefully for every meeting, even if it seemed casual: “Meet after work and walk home” (even without “tea”)...
When Pasha first saw Masha, he immediately knew: “This is HER! This hair, this scent, these sidelong glances.” When he took her hand for the first time — it was like electricity through his whole body. “This is love,” he thought. For her sake, he was ready for any feat: fly to the moon or run to the store — it made no difference! He tried very hard to make sure Masha understood how much he loved her...
What changed? What caused the irritation to erupt into a fight? CRITERIA: What matters to us in another person's behavior. We “fall in love” with another person's behavior, or we reject it. If what a person does “fits” our idea of “this is important, this is right,” then that person becomes important to us. We rarely separate a person from their actions.
The goal changes. It's really that simple. If before the wedding the goal was to reach and cross that finish line no matter what, then once it's crossed: “That's it! It's done!!! Now he/she is mine — I can relax.” On top of that, after the wedding the relationship takes a “quantum leap” from SHORT-TERM to LONG-TERM.
What mattered in the relationship BEFORE moves to second or third place (not everything, but much of it), and what didn't matter before becomes critically important. For example? Here you go: flowers every day — that's a hit to the family budget (no, of course it's nice and needed, but...); meanwhile, computer games in the evening instead of helping around the house — how could that be?! Long-awaited sex with Masha, for Pasha, was and remains wonderful and desired, but it no longer requires heroic feats and superhuman effort — there she is, right next to him... But constant remarks like “put it there, not there,” “you didn't take out the trash,” and so on — that's somehow grating.
After their first fight, Pasha and Masha made up and decided to forget about it.... and that was another fatal mistake. The problem wasn't solved — “they didn't air their dirty laundry, they swept it under the rug.” A time bomb started ticking. The next fight was even worse than the last, and so on. By the end of their first year of married life, they both arrived at the same conclusion: mom was right, all men/women are the same, and you need to be smarter and “keep your guard up”...
Understand that building a relationship is work, both BEFORE and AFTER the wedding;
You need to know WHAT to do and HOW to do it;
When it's NOT WORKING OUT, you need help;
In plain terms, Pasha and Masha need to develop EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP and TALK consciously and intentionally, paying attention to WHAT MATTERS TO THE OTHER PERSON and trying to meet EACH OTHER'S NEEDS. And it's best to learn this BEFORE THE WEDDING and keep doing it FOR LIFE.
What for? — To LIVE LONG AND HAPPILY.
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT:
Children — when, how many, how to raise them;
Relationships with parents — what rights they have within our family;
Money — how to earn it, how to spend it, how to save it;
Daily life — where to live, how to live, how to rest, each other's responsibilities and wishes in this area;
Intimate relationships: sex (what's okay/not okay, contraception, and so on); who are your friends and why? What matters to you and why (in life in general)? What's your greatest fear, your deepest joy, your fiercest anger, the height of pleasure, and so on; what do you believe in the spiritual world? Why? And so on. It's important to do this in sync with one another, not in a way where one person “dumps” everything and the other gets scared and shuts down. It's important to introduce your “skeletons” gradually, starting with the small ones and moving toward the bigger ones...
In all these conversations, it's important to communicate in order to UNDERSTAND, not to judge.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING BUT STILL CAN'T MAKE IT WORK? That's exactly what relationship counselor Roman Shchetinin is here for — welcome to a consultation (online or in the office). Book through any messenger at +380674868445.
If you've read this far, this text is relevant to you. Now you can take a few actions: forget it and leave things as they are; share this post and maybe save someone's family; sign up for a consultation and save yourself years of life, a lot of money, a lot of nerves, and, most importantly, build a happy, healthy relationship with the person you love...
What you do next is up to you...
